Failure is a very strong phenomenon, not everyone deals with it well. Often, there is no standard response to failure. Few people lose it, Few people give up, Few people find a less difficult alternative and some people try again. I really admire the last kind. It takes balls, balls of steel to stand up again. I truly admire people who stand up again.

Every time you fail, you tend to invite a lot of criticism for yourself or your actions. The number of times you fail is directly proportional to the amount of criticism you receive. A good percentage of people are scared of failures because of the criticism by their peers and themselves. Its a hard task. Its hard to not give up when there is so much said.

Failure and criticism are not often not perceived well. They tend to get a lot of negative feelings with them. This negative feelings tend to make you feel miserable and depressed. Being depressed sucks. Depression leads to a lot of other bull crap. It prevents you from living the life you are supposed to live. It prevents you from being your 100%. It prevents you to be at your full potential. It prevents you from making the choices you need to.

I remember being depressed when the first girl I supposedly ‘loved’ broke up with me. It was hard. I thought it was the end of the world. Apparently, It wasn’t. Never did I know that I would fall in ‘Love’ multiple times again. I carried my self out of it. It took some time, but I was there eventually.

Next bout came when I just joined college. It was a new world. I was among people who were way richer than me. I hate to say it but I was kind of intimidated. In that duration I broke up with supposedly ‘ Girl of my Dreams ‘ . I kind of blamed it on me being broke (Its funny how a support system works). I worked through it. Within a year, I was making enough to cover my pocket expenses. Another Year, I was earning enough to pay my own college fees. I was proud of what I had done for myself. Maybe, a little egoistic. Now I had entered the mode of ‘Not giving a fuck’. I was not intimidated by anyone anymore.  I worked this one out too.

Another bout was during my driving exams. Oh god that was bad. I failed my driving test 4 times. Learning driving in this country is expensive. I was unlucky with my trainers. I spent a lot of money on this. I never failed any exams before this. It was a bad bad bad feeling. It took a lot of courage to pick my self for each attempt. I made it. I made it in the 5th attempt. I remember that feeling. The feeling of being useless.  I remember seeing pathans who were in their double digit of attempts. I seriously admire their spirit of coming again and again after they’ve failed. It takes more than a man to do it.

Now to the current bout. Last semester of college, I got internship with one of the Ex-Leading E-commerce company in Dubai. I was lucky to get my self into the Marketing depart of the firm. It was something I liked doing. It was almost certain that I was about to be full time there once I would graduate. After my exams were done, I left for India. I had it all figured out. The week before I was supposed to land, the company closed down. All calculations fell apart. The amount of money I was making through my sites had also come down due to being shit busy with college and a series of google updates. I was nothing now.

I am not only jobless now, I don’t also make much money now. It was a major blow to my ego. I feel miserable. I had burned bridges at places where I could be employed. Not like my batch mates are working, but they’ve had their interview and are currently on hold. Their employment is almost confirmed. I am no where. I am upto no good. Its another one of those phases, when I don’t really look foreword to tomorrow and I don’t really know what I could do to make it better.

At the moment, I am just a fat ass who sits at home all day and makes no money and has not got a single call for interview yet. It doesn’t feel good. I am not used to this. I could use a change. I don’t know what or how. I just need to push through this and make it work again. There is another added pressure. I am a kind of guy who wants to be financially secure by the age of 35. All this time wasted now is just not helping me reach that goal. It stinks to be serious. I need to make money and make it fast. I am helpless in the current scenario and being helpless sucks.

Things are pretty shitty at the moment. I am not sure how things are going to turn out. I am not sure about what I am going to do tomorrow. I am not sure if I am going to do something tomorrow at the first place. Picking my self up and getting work done seems to get difficult by the day. I am pushing through but I am slowing down. Its kind of bleak at the moment.

Lets hope for the best and keep going.