Well , its the middle of the night and I needed an outlet to pour out to ( having a blog helps… ) .  Lets talk about defense mechanism today. In basic terms , its the mindset you get into to tackle out all the depression which may be due to a breakup or loss of some one or any other such causes ( be creative with that one… ) .

Lets keep the story short, I really loved this girl once and would fight the world just for her. ( You get the idea ? Trust me , I am not over exaggerating ) .  I chased her for quite a while , thinking she was all worth it. She finally gave in. But we soon had to part out ways because she had trouble staying faithful. Not that I wasn’t a man enough. I just didn’t keep the leash tight. She warned me about it.

Every time I break up after a serious relation, I tend to cocoon my self from the world.  May be, Have this own little world of mine where I am happy and have all I want.  I don’t really like to socialize much during this time. Same happened after her.

I thought , may be if i had enough money/car  I could have spent more time with her and make it work between us. My dads not ‘Warren Buffet’ and the pocket money he was giving me was no way enough for me. The calling , the traveling ….. I wouldn’t be able to meet it. Not like my dad would not give me money. But It just didn’t feel rite.

I knew I had to work out something to meet this gap between ‘demand’ and ‘supply’ . I was too young to get a job. Even if i did manage to get it, it would be really difficult to manage it along with the college. This left me with only one option my ‘sites’ .

I have worked hard since then and come a far way. My sites are worth over  20-30K Aed Alone and I pull in close to average monthly pay alone my self.  I am not good to pay the college fees my self yet , but trust me I soon  will be able to. I am proud of what I have done and I have come far way from where i started.

But it has all come on a cost. I don’t socialize much. All i can talk about is sites and money. Nothing happens in my life. I am a far more duller person then I used to be.  Everything comes on a cost of something.

All this work kept me busy and far from thinking about her ( except few weak moments here and there ) . It went until I met this girl. Things clicked rite away and before I knew we started dating.

She didn’t complain . She said I was perfect for her ( Hard to believe ) . She studies else where and comes down every now and then. But she did mention, I was nothing like she thought her BF to be like. She was a fun loving person and I was a laid back kinda guy who thinks he does not belong to parties.

Its kinda weird without her. We used to speak often initially but now its all coming down. She calls once a while and some days she doesn’t. She’s got her excuses. It kinda hurts.  But its ‘ok’ . The funny part is , some random guy shows up on her facebook and she gets active with him all of a sudden and at my end there is no activity.

Disclaimer: I wasn’t stalking , it just showed up on my dashboard.

The funny-er thing ( remember I spoke of the funny thing previously ) is all those wall post hurt nothing less than bullet. I know its bad but well the issue is , its getting worse.

The Ultra-Real Point of concern is after the first female , I never managed to get out of my cocoon. My world includes My folks , my pals , my girl and my sites topped with lot of food 🙂 . ( Yerp, I have managed to put a few pounds on ) . Seems like the defense mechanism has slowed the pace of my life to bare minimum to the point that my girl might be thinking i am a bore.

Its kinda fucked up state of mind. I don’t know whats going on . I might be losing grip over her but I am gonna get the leash a little tighter and see how it goes.

For now, Peace.